Yesterday afternoon, I came to church with a bit burdened heart thinking and looking back at the time that passed from my consciousness unknowingly. Its almost two months since it happened and I have come a long way ever since. I did remember that another 9th day of the month had passed and it was supposed to be our 10th month already. Just a few days ago, just as I was leaving my house for Ortigas, I suddenly broke down if front of my Mom and said: “Do not ever mention her in any way Mom in both mention or ridicule. I am trying to wrestle my life back into order and it was hard times for me knowing that I was happy with her. Everything was a bad nightmare.” To just a simple reaction-less face, my Mom hugged me and said that I will forget about her in time. How has my life fared since that very time? It was a long and painful process that involved a lot of time praying, communing with friends and constant mental battles I have to face.
I love the very fact that I feel better after a long run but still I felt tricked by the Devil in stumbling upon something that affected my life in a big way and which I could never forget. Even the evil schemes goes into the very plan of God for the better. Maybe, He let me go through this so that I may know my weakness. I exchanged intimacy with my God for the intimacy of someone. That breaks my heart but I do know that He let that happen so that I’d be dependent on Him. I guess that every good thing I enjoy today would have not happened if I did not go through that emotional torment. What I felt the Devil’s trickery now feels a victory for God. The very experience changes my outlook and confidence with myself to the confidence which I rely upon God.
Taking my seat and going through the movements, I just could not hide my longing yet something tells me everything will continue to be okay just as the two months have been good to me. I though to myself, “I AM IN THE HOUSE OF GOD! If I can feel God’s care and embrace even if I am anywhere else, how much more in His house.” Just as the happy songs of praise passes by the chords and notes, the songs of worship tunes heavenly music to my heart. “Find rest my soul…”, the very line I exhort myself runs deeper now into my heart as the song continues “in Christ alone.” Knowing I got this far, I know I can only thank God for all these and the countless people He used to be a blessing to me.
I once asked to myself on how I could fill the empty space in my heart. My thoughts ran to many pleasures of life but what was there to last is the love of God that finds no impossibility. I am here, happy most of the time and He is calling me to His work. May 9 now supposed to be our anniversary if we did not part ways but instead, God will be sending me somewhere else to fulfill the very mission He has imprinted in my heart since I first knew Him aligning me to the desires of His heart.Who am I to resist knowing that He has laid down the plans for my life even before He willed the universe to existence. Constant re-realizations like these makes me look up to heaven and mutter my simple thanks… “If you created these enormous and beautiful stars just by your holy will, suffered and died for my salvation from sins which I do not even deserve yet gave it to me anyway… how can I not trust you and continue to draw strength from you.”